The Non-Dad Stuff

A note to my readers: if you have any intentions of watching Crank 2: High Voltage, DON’T. Listen to me, do not watch that movie. If you still intend on watching it, read the following at your own risk.

I should have known that I was in for a treat of a movie when some as-yet-unnamed thugs scooped the still-living body of Chev Chelios – who had just fallen thousands of feet from a helicopter, landed on a car, bounced about a hundred feet back into the air and crashed back onto the road – into a black van using a snow shovel. A snow shovel. This was all within the first two minutes of the film.

Then there was the stripper who got shot in the boobs, which then began oozing silicone. And there was an extreme close-up of a horse’s cock that spanned the roughly 40 foot wide screen. There was a Godzilla-like fight sequence. There was a guy who cut off his own nipples – on orders of his boss, the guy ain’t crazy you know – and was later seen sporting a Band-Aid over each removed nipple. Some random thug was sodomized with a shotgun. Oh, and there was a talking head. Like, a head was separated from a body, had been placed into an aquarium with goo and wires, and was talking.

I know that reading the above paragraph will have many people checking to see if that movie is playing in their local theater, it does sound awesome as I re-read what I just typed, but it was horrible. Horrible.

A few occasions found Sarah and I looking at each other in disbelief. We actually chose that movie for our date night. At one point, she asked me if we missed some sort of disclaimer message saying that “for optimal viewing experience, please eat a bag of mushrooms.” Unfortunately, there was no such disclaimer.

I am extremely forgiving with movies. Sarah will vouch for the fact that I find 99% of movies enjoyable. I’ve watched plenty of “not good” movies and quite a few bad movies, but I enjoy and appreciate watching movies, good or bad. But Crank 2: High Voltage is beyond bad. And for this, it has made it onto my list titled The 5 Worst Movies Ever. The full list is as follows.

The 5 Worst Movies Ever
5.
4. REPO: The Genetic Opera (IMDb)
3. Leprechaun 3 (IMDb)
2. Freddy Got Fingered (IMDb)
1. Crank 2: High Voltage (IMDb)

The list is a perfect illustration of how forgiving I am with regards to movies. Of all the movies I’ve ever watched, I can’t think of a fifth movie that I absolutely hate. Although I am fairly certain that if I were to watch Gigli or Glitter, I’d fill the last slot.

I should have walked out of the movie and snuck into a different one. The only reason I can give for why I didn’t is that the other eight people in the theater didn’t leave either.

Crank 2, you owe me for the cost of two movie tickets ($17), a babysitter and, if the technology is ever created, 85 minutes of my life.

There was one funny line in the movie that I must share. Chev Chelios was on the hood of a car being driven by two Chinese dudes (bad guys). One of the Chinese guys was yelling at Chev – inviting him to have relations with himself, I believe. Chev said, ” Did you drop some change? I just heard a chink.”