The life and times of an irrational father. One man, multiple personalities.
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When I became a father, I joined a club. There are fathers, and there are not-fathers. I had become a father and assumed that other fathers would welcome me with open arms, make me a drink, and then sit me down and show me the ropes. You know, give me fatherly advice on being a father. Not so. It seems that the other members of this elite group of men wanted me to live through the same pains they did. They wanted to sit back and laugh as I subject myself to the hells that could have been prevented if they had only just warned me. I don’t want to put any fathers-to-be through the same tortures I went through. So, here I am, sharing with you a few tips to get you through some of the perils we refer to as fatherhood.

Learn speed diapering: Men, when you pull off your baby’s diaper, don’t goof around by tickling his thighs, or saying cute things like "oooooooooo wheeeeee… You are P U STINKY!" Also, make sure all supplies are ready before you pull the diaper off. You want to have the baby wipes out and ready, have the Desitin cap off, and have the new diaper unfolded (and oriented correctly). Failure to explicitly follow these words will result in the baby pretending he is a fireman and you’re on fire.

Perceptiveness and Imitation: Sometimes, your baby will be unhappy. You will learn to make silly faces or noises to elicit a smile or a laugh. Do not (DO NOT) pretend that the kitchen table is a drum set while you are feeding your baby. Your baby will imitate those actions and make a huge mess of his food. Making things worse, said action is horribly cute when your baby does it, which will make you laugh. Laughing is the ONE thing you never want to do in such a situation. Babies like to hear their fathers laugh and will continue doing whatever it was that resulted in a laugh. If you laugh again, they will do it again. If you don’t laugh again, they will keep doing it until you do laugh again. It’s a horrible cycle for which there is no escape.

And now for the one that prompted the publishing of this post. This may or may not have been an incident that took place Wednesday afternoon. Listen up, fellas. If you are daydreaming, please clear your head for a moment, turn off all background music and hop on the focus train.

Know your environment: Do not take a nearly one year old baby to Toys ‘R Us. EVER! Your baby will point at EVERYTHING and say "Dat. Dat. Dat! Dat! Dat!" If you don’t give them whatever "dat" is – in our case, "dat" is every damn toy in the store that wasn’t pink – you will be made sorry. If you do give them a "dat", just to appease the little one, you better be prepared to buy "dat." If not, the world will come crashing upon you when you take "dat" away.

Ok, men, with any luck, these tips will help you survive to fight another day. Good luck and God speed.

Blowing Some Balls

February 24th, 2009 | Posted by Joe in joe | laughing | the best medicine | Tyler - (3 Comments)
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I can say, with absolute certainty, that nothing in my life has ever compared with the joy and warmth that fills me when I hear Tyler laughing. Tyler takes after his father in the sense that he is quite easily amused. If I’m watching a movie and see Matthew Perry run into a glass sliding door and crash to the ground – all this because he’s trying to dissuade his assistant and Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski from murdering his wife – I will laugh every time. Sadly, I don’t own a copy of this movie, so I can’t be a hundred percent sure of the details of the scene.

One of Tyler’s toys is an orange plastic tiger that is holding a purple plastic basket. On the basket it a blue plastic bird. The accessories to this toy are three – you guessed it – plastic balls. Tyler received this toy as a Christmas present from his Aunt Jillian. When you put a ball into the basket, it plays music and says things like “woohoo”, “good job” and “you’re grrrrrreat!” I find it a tad interesting that this orange tiger toy says “you’re grrrrrrreat” in a very similar way that another orange tiger – which is not owned by the same company – says “they’re grrrrrrrreat”, in reference to the yummy qualities of a certain breakfast cereal.

Playing with this toy with Tyler entails ME dropping the balls in the basket while I say “daddy puts the blue ball in the basket.” Tyler usually watches with mild curiousity for a few moments, before crawling away to find a power cord to chew on. Sometimes, Tyler would pick up a ball with each hand. I would then giggle madly (to myself) when I told him what he was doing. “Tyler is holding his balls.” *snicker* A few days ago, Tyler seemed to finally “get it”. He picked up a ball and dropped it in the basket. I was so excited that I almost jumped up and performed cartwheels. Almost. My worries that maybe it was just a fluke were whisked away when he made 9 more baskets.

Last night, after dinner and before bed, we found ourselves playing with the tiger toy while Sarah took some alone time to unwind and read the paper. Tyler picked up a ball and swung his arm towards me, like he wanted me to have it. I said “can daddy have the green ball?”, as I pulled it from his hand. I couldn’t tell you why I did this, but instead of dropping it in the basket, I made a chomping noise and put it in my mouth. Tyler grinned a little. I aimed down a bit and shot the ball from my mouth, popping Tyler in his leg. He laughed, hard, and handed me another ball. “Can daddy have the red ball?” Chomp. Pop. Laugh. Honestly, I have never heard Tyler laugh this hard before. A baby’s laugh is quite infectious. Sarah put the paper down, laughing, to watch Tyler. I laughed everytime he did.

After a few minutes, I lay down on my back and started shooting the ball in the air, and catching it in my hand. Tyler started laughing even harder. If we weren’t having such a great time, I would have grabbed the camcorder. I don’t know how much that toy tiger cost, but it was worth every penny.

And if you were thinking of something entirely different when you read the title of this post, then shame on you. If that never even crossed your mind (liar), then shame on me.