The life and times of an irrational father. One man, multiple personalities.
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Broken Promises

December 9th, 2008 | Posted by Joe in milestones | Tyler - (7 Comments)
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This past Friday, I changed Tyler’s diaper on the living room floor. We’ve got a basket that we keep the essentials in. Diapers, wipes, hand sanitizer, lotion, and butt cream prepare us for all but the most gruesome of crime scenes. Upon completion of the diaper change, I lifted Tyler’s legs, smacked his bottom, and informed him that I had indeed, “panked the booty”, much to his delight. I then dumped the dirty dipe and washed my hands. When I walked back into the living room, Tyler had rolled over -which he is a regular pro at now – and was chewing on one of his socks. I don’t know why Tyler loves to rip his socks off. He loves to grab them with his hands and just start yanking away at them. And I’m even more confused on how he is able to kick them off without using his hands at all.

A few moments later, I was opening up some files on my laptop to print off before I hit the road for work. While I was doing this, Tyler was reaching for the diaper basket. I know this because when I did eventually look down at him, he was dumping the basket over. In the seconds that it took for me to set my laptop down and get up, Tyler was able to grab a diaper and start chewing on it. *sigh* I put everything back into the emergency readiness basket and sat it back on the floor. But this time, I set it about two feet away from Tyler. I looked at him and said, “There, if you can get to it now, you can have it.”

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I learned something valuable from that statement. Do not absently make offers to a child, ever.

I didn’t expect Tyler to say – nonverbally, of course – “ok daddy, watch this.” No, I didn’t hear him say it, but I should have seen it in his eyes. I was sitting again, trying to finish up on the laptop so I could get on the road, when Sarah says, “Joe, look at your son.”

Again, I look down to see what the little troublemaker is up to. Tyler was much closer to the basket, and he was stretching as much as he could, trying to reach it. His little fingertips were just barely touching the basket. Then, I watch as he digs his foot into the carpet and pushes himself closer. Close enough that he was able to grab the basket and knock it over again. Sarah informs me that if I had put the basket back where it belonged, Tyler never would have gotten to it. Thanks, Sarah. Any why Tyler would want the basket when he’s got all kinds of awesome toys nearby is beyond the scope of my knowledge.

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Tyler digs his foot into the ground and pushes himself forward

But the bigger question is, WHEN DID HE LEARN THIS!?!? The only thing I’ve ever seen him do that even resembled mobility was spin himself in a circle while lying on his belly. He would only ever spin in one direction, so I’d constantly quote Maury Ballstein, from Zoolander, “You got a lot of gifts, but hanging a louie just isn’t one of them.”

Among the many thoughts that swirled around my head that morning, three of them stuck out.

1) Why the heck hasn’t Sarah told me about this development? When I asked her about this, she dismissively replied, “oh, I thought you knew.” I had to remind myself a few times that spousal abuse is against the law.

2) Awesome! My baby can move!

3) My baby can move now? Oh s**t.

“Bittersweet” seems to be a huge understatement of the mixture of joy and sheer terror that I felt. Before Friday, whenever I placed Tyler on the floor and walked into another room, a promise was made. When I come back, Tyler will be right there. Just like your car keys or cell phone, Tyler will be in the last place you left him. Nobody ever told me that these promises came with an expiration date.

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Tyler’s Immobility Guaranteed Through December 5, 2008. Individual Results May Vary
(I swear this isn’t photoshopped)

Friday was December 5th. Happy Birthday, Tim. Your grandson can army-crawl.

Give me back my milestones

October 16th, 2008 | Posted by Joe in laughing | milestones - (5 Comments)
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It’s been awhile since I’ve watched Fright Night, or read ‘Salem’s Lot, but I remember that if a vampire is invited into your home, they can come and go as they please. I also remember, in ‘Salem’s Lot, that you can revoke an invitation.

Grandpa Bouse (Pa-pa, to little Tyler), I revoke your invitation into my house. Be gone with thee.

Sarah’s dad, Pa-pa, had been storing a 1950-something Spitfire in our garage for a few weeks. He was able to sell it on ebay or craigslist, or some other online venue, and had a carrier coming in a few days to pick it up. He came by on Sunday to get it ready. Before he arrived, I charged the battery and started it up for a few minutes, and repositioned it in the garage so it would be easier to get to. Because I’m a nice guy.

Since I was already in the garage, and it was shaping up to be a very pleasant day, I vacuumed up the spiders and their webs with my new (cheap) shop-vac, and started cleaning the place up a bit. Just as I was getting ready to cut some 2×4′s up so I could make a base to get our freezer off the ground – in case water were to collect in the garage – Pa-pa showed up in his 1969 Fiat Spider (top down, of course). So, I decided to forego the base building for the moment.

As we were talking in the garage about the car, the selling of it, and general garage talk, Sarah came out of the house, holding Tyler, to say her hello’s. The last time Pa-pa was down, Tyler was being a grumpy-gus, and started bawling whenever Pa-pa held him. It’s very discouraging when the cutest baby in DeKalb county (the vote was tampered with, more on that later), whom you love very dearly, wants nothing to do with you. Sarah and I can both relate to the rejection, as it’s happened to us too. On Sunday, Tyler was in a good mood, and this pleased Pa-pa very much.

This brings me to the reason Pa-pa’s invitation to our house is being revoked. He started doing the cute gitchy-gitchy-goo crap that all baby’s love, and Tyler had the most adorable, gummy grin ever. That’s perfectly fine with me. I’ve seen that smile a thousand times. A couple seconds later, though, Tyler started cracking up. What blasphemy is this?!

I’ve made Tyler laugh before, loads of times. So has Sarah. But he was cracking up this time. I usually get a “AHHH Ah AhHH” laugh. I’m not sure what Sarah gets from him. I don’t think I want to know. She’s with him all day, so I’m sure she can make him laugh pretty heartily. But Pa-pa sees him less than me and finds the ability to extract full on laughter, while I can only elicit giggling? Luckily for everyone involved, I don’t own a chainsaw. As a matter of fact, the only thing within arm’s reach was the hose for the vacuum, and I wouldn’t have been able to cause much pain or dismemberment by flogging someone with a rubber hose. I made the decision to stay the violence.

I am supposed to be the one to make him laugh, to teach him to crawl, walk, and run. I was being more than generous when I gave permission to let Pa-pa teach Tyler how to fix cars when he gets older. I gave permission for Pa-pa and Tyler to get a Jeep or Miata or something when he’s 8 years old, and they would spend the next six to eight years fixing and restoring it on weekends. This is how I’m repaid? Stealing MY milestones?!

I’m sending a letter via certified mail to him with the imprint if a giant red stamp on the paper. It’ll be positioned at a 45 degree angle, for dramatic effect, and it’ll simply read “INVITATION REJECTED”. I may even go the extra step to get the letter notarized and delivered by a local sheriff. I’ll pay him an extra hundred dollars to say “You’ve been served.”