The life and times of an irrational father. One man, multiple personalities.
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“No, Tyler! Don’t play wi- Ooooohhhhh CRAAAAAP!

That, my friends, is the sound of countless warnings going unheeded. I heard the frustration, defeat, and, possibly, smugness in Sarah’s voice as she uttered those final two words. Unsure of exactly what Tyler had done, I walked into the room, ready to stand by Sarah’s side as she explained to Tyler what he had done and why he shouldn’t have. I was ready to echo some of Sarah’s key words, like “bad,” or “dangerous,” or “why can’t you be more awesome, like your father?” Oh boy, he’s gonna get it, I thought, because Sarah started her reprimand the very moment I entered the room.

“Remember how I told you not to leave your glasses where Tyler can reach them?”

Yeah, Tyler. Remember how mommy told y… Wait. “What?”

“Oh yah, Tyler just broke your glasses.”

No, wait. I thought we were uniting to stand against the little tyrant that gets into everything he shouldn’t be getting into. And shouldn’t we do so anyway? He did just break my glasses, after all. My very expensive glasses. Six weeks before Christmas. That should at least warrant a caning, or ten minutes of waterboarding, or, at the minimum, a stern talking to! Why are they both looking at me like I’m the one that’s in trouble?

Before I could start kicking Mega-Bloks across the room and shouting accusations of mutiny, a door shut in my mind. The deadbolt snapped into place, miraculously locking Extremely-IrrationalDad away before the anger could materialize. I calmly looked at the broken frame, cursing myself for leaving them on the arm of the couch, because I knew better. I KNEW better. That spot had ceased being a safe-zone months ago. All the while, my irrational self was pounding on the imaginary, yet very real door, screaming. But Tyler did this! Not me! Him! He did this! He broke the glasses! HE should have known better! I knew it was entirely my fault. I knew Tyler didn’t do anything wrong. But I tend to be irrational at times.

Rather than rub my nose in my own piss, Sarah didn’t say a word, which is completely out of character. Of course she’s told me countless times to put my glasses somewhere that Tyler can’t reach. Of course all those warnings went unheeded. She later admitted that she really wanted to remind me of all this but decided to bite her tongue. It’s a good thing, too, because the door holding back my anger was splintering. I suspect that Sarah saw the fire dancing in my eyes when she wisely decided to not pour mass quantities of thermite onto the flames.

But wait, the news gets better. I went to the eyeglass place a couple days ago. Those very expensive frames of mine? Well, they are two months out of warranty. Replacement frames to fit my lenses are equally very expensive. Have I mentioned yet that this is all six weeks before Christmas? I have a pretty weak prescription and decided that I would just go without glasses through the holidays (you know, when all the really horrible drivers are out and about). As I walked out, a customer followed me and told me to take my glasses to a jeweler. He said that they can solder quite nicely and extremely cheaply.

Twenty four hours and twenty dollars later, my glasses are back and good as new. Unless you are staring at them from three inches away, you can’t tell they had ever been broken. Twenty dollars! I’m elated.

Gutting and Carving Pumpkins!

October 31st, 2009 | Posted by Joe in holidays | joe | photos | Sarah | Tyler - (8 Comments)

This is another “mostly pictures post”. I took a ton of pictures of our pumpkin carving fun, and you can check them out over here, but here are some of my favorites.

Tyler with his pumpkin
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Pulling the guts out
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And putting them in the bowl (for us to separate later)
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Pulling more out… and eating the guts (sign)
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I see you…
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Tyler with his Elmo pumpkin
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Sarah and I carved pumpkins too. Mine is the orange, Sarah’s is green (Tyler picked it for her)
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A happy pumpkin family…
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Happy Halloween everyone!!!!

TySpeak

October 30th, 2009 | Posted by Joe in joe | learning | Sarah | Tyler - (2 Comments)

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Tyler has been, as of late, trying to copy the words we say. Luckily, Sarah and I have our swearing under control now. If that weren’t the case, I’ve no doubt that Tyler would already have “damn” in his vocabulary, and likely some of Damn’s big brothers and sisters. Probably even Damn’s parents. The whole Damn family. He’s even surprised us by attempting some three syllable words/phrases like “I love you” and “Las Limas”. Las Limas is Sarah’s most favoritest Mexican restaurant. We actually went there just two days ago. Surprise surprise, Tyler loved it. He dipped chips into salsa, ate salsa right from his fork, and even used his fork to eat rice off my plate. Sarah practically lived at Las Limas during her pregnancy. Craving city. It was the same thing almost every day. I’d ask, “What do you want for dinner?”

“Chips and salsa.”

“We just went there yesterday.”

“Yeah? And?”

So should it really come as any surprise to me that Tyler loved the food there too? But, I digress.

Here is the current Tyler-to-English list:

Mama – Mommy
Dada – Daddy
Pumpy – Pumpkin (he sounds so cute saying this)
Howww – Help
Baba – Paci
Bahp – Up (pick me up)
Dowww – Down
Slyyy – Slide
Sie – Outside
More – More
Rie – Ride (either in the car or on Dada’s back)
Go – Go
Poddy – Potty
Yah – Yes
No – No
Nooo – Nose
Mou – Mouse
Mou (high pitched) – Cat (meow)
Neeee – Horse (neigh)
Deen – Drink
Dis – This
I-luh-loo – I love you (just started with this)
Ball – Ball
BALL – Football
Boo – Book (as in read one to me)
Nigh nigh – Night Night
Daw – Dog
Lila – Delilah (our dog)
Papa – Sarah’s dad
Nana – Sarah’s mom
Grap – My dad
Gram – My mom
Ishi – Aunt Acey
Jiji – Aunt Jiji
Jah-ee – Aunt Jenny
Paysh – Cousin Paige
Wek – Cousin Lexie
Germ – Uncle Jeremy (we call him Germs, for short)
Nah nah – Knock Knock
Pideh – Spider
Nummy – Nummy (he wants to give Lila a treat)

That’s not all. He’s got a handful of other words at his disposal. It amazes me that he not only uses the words but he actually uses them in the proper context. When I talk to Tyler (about something that interests him), I can see that he is genuinely paying attention and trying to absorb what I’m telling him. I also find it amazing that, although he can’t hold a conversation, he understands almost everything Sarah and I say to him. Unless it involves the word “no.” For example, telling Tyler “No, we do not play in Lila’s water” seems to have little effect on his playing in Delilah’s water bowl.

Because of Tyler’s perceptiveness and comprehension, we’ve been relegated to spelling and using other descriptive phrases. Park is P-a-r-k. Outside is “that place beyond our back door.”

Sarah made the mistake of saying “outside” during one of our phone conversations yesterday.

“Sie? Sie. SIE! LAY!” Lay means play, by the way.

“No, honey,” Sarah replied, “we’ll go play outside later.”

“SIEEEEEEEEE!”

Heh. I love that I wasn’t the one to make the mistake this time.

Impeccable Timing

October 20th, 2009 | Posted by Joe in Bad parenting | irrational dad | joe | Sarah | Tyler - (5 Comments)

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How is it that I can be in a room with Tyler, teaching him words and sounds, playing and wrestling with him, and having a fun and safe time, and Sarah can come into the room at the EXACT moment I am being a bad and neglectful dad? The world can be cruel and perverse in its humor at times.

We have been working with Tyler on “Hi” and “Bye bye,” and play a game that Tyler really loves. He walks out of his room, and turns to face us. “Bye bye, Tyler,” we say to him.

“Buh bye,” Tyler replies while waving.

After shutting the door between us, Tyler knocks on the door and yells in his cute, little-boy voice, “NA NA,” in his best interpretation of “knock knock.”

“Who is it?”

“TY TY,” he yells through the cheap wooden door!

“OHHHH, Ty Ty,” we say while opening the door, “come innnnnn. HI.”

“Hi,” Tyler responds. He come in, gives us a kiss and runs back out.

Repeat, ad nauseum.

Yesterday, Tyler and I were in the living room, football playing on the television, while Sarah cooked dinner. Suddenly, Tyler said “bye bye,” and disappeared from view into the stairway. I extended my farewells and snuck closer so I could keep a secretive eye on him. I watched Tyler pull the baby gate door and close it before yelling out “NA NA!”

We played the game for a few minutes, smiling and laughing and having a grand ol’ time. He would lean over the gate from the second step and kiss me prior to saying our goodbyes again. At one point, he reached for a candle on a ledge. I told him “no no” and that candles are “very HHHHHOT and dangerous.” Tyler pulled his hand back, said “Hhhhhhhaaa” and we continued our fun.

And then Sarah came in the room to see what the score was, and to see what silliness her boys were up to. I explained that the station stopped airing the destruction that the evil Patriots were dealing to the Titans, and was instead broadcasting a more closely matched Bills / Jets game. As I relayed the information, I didn’t notice Tyler leaning over the gate for his kiss. Leaning way too far over the gate. Well, I did notice, but it was too late. Of course, Sarah noticed too. We both watched as his waist created a fulcrum point against the top of the baby gate. His upper body and lower body became opposing ends of a see-saw. Cruel little Disaster Jones sat on one side, and the much nicer, and much lighter, Happy McSafety sat upon Tyler’s legs. I’ll give you three guesses what happened next, and the first two don’t count.

I’d be lying if I told you that watching Tyler upend and flip over the baby gate wasn’t a little funny. Actually, it was a lot funny, but first we had to get to the business of making sure Tyler was going to live before daddy could snicker, snort, and laugh. What made it funny wasn’t THAT Tyler fell, but rather HOW Tyler fell. It wasn’t graceful, by any stretch, but it also wasn’t awkward either. His body remained perfectly straight, as if a board were splinted against him. If the same were to happen to me from an appropriately proportional height, I would have landed in a crumpled heap, with an arm twisted behind my back and my legs in a physically questionable arrangement. With Tyler, it was as if his body simply rotated in the air. It rotated until his hands hit the floor, and continued to do so until he landed on his back, supine, looking up at us with a “was that SUPPOSED to happen?” look on his face. With a cautiously optimistic expression, I looked him over, mostly looking for limbs bent at odd angles. All the while, hysterical laughter danced and tickled at the back of my throat. But he lay there, perfectly straight, perfectly fi–

Before I could even finish my mental prognosis, Sarah scooped him into her arms, asking if he was okay, and smothering him with kisses. The mommy genes kicked in with force.

“Oh, he’s fine,” I said, mentally adding, of course he’s fine, he’s my boy.

And he was fine. Whether from being my roly-poly, pell-mell, tumble-bumble boy, or from the plethora of healing kisses that his mommy bandaged him with, we may never know. Maybe it was a little bit of both.

No Tyler, No Tyler, No Tyler

October 9th, 2009 | Posted by Joe in irrational dad | joe | Tyler - (3 Comments)

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There are some things I don’t understand about Tyler. In the form of yeah’s and no’s, he’ll tell you that he’s tired, that he wants to go upstairs, that he wants his jammies, but he does NOT want to go to sleep. And yet, when we put him in his crib, he doesn’t fight it. More times than not, he goes right to sleep.

I understand that we, as parents, need to be careful with our questions. Instead of asking Tyler if he’s ready for bed, I should ask if he wants to bring Melmo or Ah-Ah to bed. I get that. I do. And when he does tell us that he isn’t ready for bed, we correct him by nodding our heads and saying, “Yes, Tyler is ready for bed.”

I’m jumping off topic here. I should just replace the fist two paragraphs with “Tyler knows the difference between yes and know, and what those words mean,” because that’s what I was getting at. At least, I think he knows what yes and no mean. More specifically, Tyler knows what yes and no mean IF he’s the one saying those words. When mommy and daddy say “no,” what they really mean is “maybe.”

A couple evenings ago, I asked, “Tyler, do you want to brush your teeth?”

“Yeah.”

I picked Tyler up and set him on the sink. As I applied the toothpaste to his toothbrush, Tyler grabbed the faucet handle and pulled, turning the water on.

“No thank you, Tyler.”

I pulled Tyler’s hand away. The very moment I let go, he grabbed the faucet again.

“NO Tyler. This is not for Tyler’s hands.”

He did it again.

“Tyler… NO!”

On either the fifth or sixth time (I lost track, but it’s however long it takes a parent before they start getting really angry and they get tunnel vision), I got the daddy growl in my voice when I told him no. The “I’m not effin around anymore, boy” growl. The flared nostrils, narrowed eyes, teeth clenched while talking growl. And it worked. Tyler’s hand stopped short of the faucet. I was victorious. He withdrew his hand. The battle was mine. His mouth quivered. Wait, I won, didn’t I? Tyler’s eyes welled up. Now hold on, I didn’t mean for this. A tear spilled over as he began his sobbing. Oh crap, what have I done? I backtracked, stumbling over my words as I told him that a faucet wasn’t something for little kids to play with. I came away thinking that maybe I hadn’t won that battle afterall. Especially considering the fact that I apologized to him. After brushing his teeth then mine, I picked him up and told him to show me his teeth in the mirror. We smiled at our reflections, with Tyler adding, “cheee,” and headed for the stairs.

“Tyler, do you still love me?”

“Yeah.”

And then he poked me in the chest, laughed, and said, “Dada!”