The life and times of an irrational father. One man, multiple personalities.
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The silence in the room was broken as a cry drifted down the stairs. Joe, an unassuming man who is convinced that Murphy’s Law applies to his everyday life, turned to look at Sarah.

As a stay-at-home mom, Sarah has developed an expertise in all things baby. On more than one occasion, Joe has found himself wondering if Sarah has some type of supernatural connection with the baby. He’s attempted to rationalize these thoughts. He knows that Sarah’s hearing is better than his. But how can she be in the kitchen, chopping up food, with a fan turned on and music playing in the background and STILL know when Tyler wakes up? And let’s be honest, Joe. Doesn’t Tyler always seem to know when Sarah’s nearby, almost like he senses it? It’s a two-way bond, between mother and son, and you aren’t a member of that club, Joe.

Tyler is the seven month old product of the the young marriage between Sarah and Joe. If you were to see his smile, you would see the sproutings of three teeth, with two more, maybe three, on the way. Tyler is also the owner of the cry that has Joe sitting up and looking questioningly to Sarah.

Sarah was gazing upward, head cocked ever so slightly to the right. Joe was certain that she was focusing her auditory senses on the room above, but that small, nagging part of his head thought otherwise. She’s looking through the floor, Joe. She’s watching Tyler THROUGH the twelve inches of plaster, wiring, joists, sub-flooring and carpet. And matting, Joe. She’s also looking through the matting.

In the silence that followed the initial cry, she said, “Maybe he’ll go back to sleep.”

Joe relaxed and let out the breath he didn’t notice he was holding. Yes, maybe he would go back to sleep. It was eleven o’clock POST meridiem, after all.

The answer to that particular thought came down the stairs in a more forceful tone than the cry that first interrupted the quiet evening. With a sigh, Joe stood up, walked to the stairs, and started up the fourteen steps to Tyler’s room, stepping over the three creaky ones. It was a habit he picked up shortly after Tyler was born. In the darkness of the second floor, he turned the doorknob and pushed the door open. They live in an old house that has settled over the years. Joe has combatted the non-levelness of the house by placing shims under one or more corners of the furniture. The door to Tyler’s room also falls victim to this non-level nature and will swing open without any external force. It stops only upon hitting the doorstop with a BANG……. BANg…. BAng… Bang.. bang bangbangbangbang, as it bounces off the stop with decreasing force each time it connects. Only a week ago did Joe have what he considers to be the brainstorm idea of placing one of Tyler’s stuffed toys against the doorstop. Now, the only sound from the door is a quiet “ffff”.

Tyler was in his crib, sitting, crying. Joe could just barely make out the shape of the pacifier in the darkness. It was laying on the floor, about a foot or so from the crib.

“Big surprise”, Joe said under his breath as he bent to pick it up. He mused on whether this small piece of plastic and silicone was the source or the cure for the Tyler storms that have a tendency to materialize seemingly out of nothingness.

“Here you go, buddy. Shh shh shh shhhh. Let’s go back to our night nights.” More times than not, night nights comes out as “nigh nighs”, and this was no exception.

With his eyes now adjusted to the darkness, Joe got a better look at Tyler and saw that, sitting in his crib and crying, his eyes were still closed. He asked in barely a whisper, “Are you still sleeping, TyTy?” In fact, the whisper was so faint that Joe would later wonder if he even said it aloud at all. He picked Tyler up an inch so he could lay him down again. Tyler’s eyes never opened. They never even fluttered. Convinced more than before that Tyler was indeed still asleep, Joe placed the pacifier in Tyler’s mouth. Instantly, Tyler fell still and silent.

Shutting the door and walking down the stairs, a swarm of thoughts flooded Joe’s head. Sarah looked at him, waiting for a status update, and although Joe was certain that she watched the entire scene unfold through the ceiling/floor combo that seperated the two rooms, he said “That boy is going to be a sleepwalker.”

The End

somnambulistic (som-nahm-byoo-lis-tic): a parasomnia or sleep disorder where the sufferer engages in activities that are normally associated with wakefulness while he or she is asleep or in a sleep-like state.

Normalcy

January 20th, 2009 | Posted by Joe in cameras | family - (3 Comments)
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I’m not going to detail all of the events that have taken place over the last few weeks. Suffice it to say, we’ve been busy since around December 23rd.

Last Sunday through Wednesday, I was in Phoenix, Arizona. Due to the nature of my work, I only see my co-workers about 3 or 4 times a year, so these meetings are a great time to catch up, and re-energize for another year of lonesome work. Sadly, Tyler was already in bed when I got home. Allison (Sarah’s sister) came to visit on Thursday. Later that evening, we were joined by Jillian (another of Sarah’s sisters) and her almost-2-year-old daughter, Lexi.

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Friday was a very long, and very unlucky day for me. My workday ended up being about 3 hours longer than I had planned for. When I finished up, I walked my tools to my workvan. I drive a minivan, and the rear door opens “up” like a hatchback. Due to the ice that was all over the van, the door didn’t raise all the way up. So, when I leaned in, I cracked my forehead on the door. After mumbling a few words, I lifted the door up and leaned in again. The door had, lucky me, drifted down, causing me to crack my forehead again. In the exact same spot. I was furious at this point. I shoved the door, grabbed my tool box, and swung it up to load it into my van. It turns out that I didn’t fully latch the tool box closed. Wrenches and screwdrivers went flying all over the parking garage, mostly under other cars. Have I mentioned, yet, that it was -17º Fahrenheit outside?

Not having any co-workers nearby to vent to, I called Sarah. She told me that UPS dropped a box off on the porch. Now, I get deliveries 3 or 4 days a week for work, but those come via FedEx. I’ve only been expecting one package from UPS. The flood waters of bad luck must be receeding, because that package contains my shiny new camera and lens. The drive home that evening suddenly became much brighter.

While the battery charged, I read the entire user’s guide on how to attach the lens, set the aperture, and change the shutter speed. I fell in love the moment I pressed the shutter for the first time.

Then I dropped the camera! I was sitting in the kitchen with Sarah and her sisters and… Well, I don’t know. I just dropped it. Knowing I wouldn’t be quick enough to catch it, I stuck my foot out, hoping to break its fall. It worked, thankfully. The camera hit my foot, and rolled to the floor. On Sarah’s advice, I promptly added the neck strap, and watched as they all played Clue.

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Then I dropped the camera again! I was gesturing with my hands while telling a story, and slapped the camera right off the table. There were no fall-breaking interventions this time. The camera crashed to the floor. I wasn’t worried though, because I’ve read countless reviews about this particular model. Many people have told stories of dropping their cameras on concrete and having them suffer little more than a scratch. What level of damage could a peel-and-stick linoleum floor do? I’ve got the answer to that question, and it’s “a LOT”. Linoleum must be some sort of camera kryptonite, because the LCD screen was shattered. *sigh*

Side note: I mean, come on. If you watch football, you’ve seen some of the hits that photographers, and their cameras, take when a wide receiver crashes into them after being forced out of bounds. How could I have thought that my camera would be destroyed from a tumble off a table, when I watch them collide with 300-pound monsters, with no apparent ill-effects? It’s just not fair.

I’m not going to tell the story of how I now have a replacement, because I feel guilty for my deceptions. All I’ll admit to is that the phrase “shipping damage” may have been mentioned. Don’t look at me like that!! Let he who has not sinned blah blah blah.

Friday was a very unlucky day indeed.

I have not dropped my “new” new camera yet – knock on wood- and am absolutely in love with it.

The rest of the weekend was about as crazy as you could imagine it to be with a 2 year old who doesn’t like taking naps and doesn’t like not getting what she wants.

Sarah made the comment that, much like yawning, crying appears to be contagious between kids.

My only hope for the next 3 to 7 days is a return to normalcy. Well, I guess I’m also hoping that I can fight away the cold that my body is trying to catch. I think I may actually be winning this battle.

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Don’t let this face deceive you. Evil lurks beneath

Christmas in November

December 13th, 2008 | Posted by Joe in family | holidays | Tyler - (4 Comments)
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My parents came down to visit the weekend before Thanksgiving. Since they already made plans for Turkey day, and we were hosting a dinner as well, we decided on the weekend before to meet up. They hadn’t yet met Tyler, so we were all very excited. Sarah made a pseudo-Thanksgiving meal, which included turkey-meatloaf, smashed potatoes, and pumpkin pie. It was delicious. To be honest, I was nervous about turkey-meatloaf, but it was very, very good.

My parents bought Tyler some clothes, toys (which he appears to love), and a bouncer when they came down. The only wrapping paper they had was Christmas themed. But Tyler is five months old, so he wouldn’t notice. Plus, he wouldn’t care if he did. We didn’t care, because it’s just paper that’s going to get destroyed anyway, right?

Tyler was more than eager to get his hands on the presents. We had to help him by tearing the corner of the paper. But as soon as he saw the paper sticking out, he couldn’t wait to get his hands on it. Tyler thoroughly enjoyed the ripping sound of the paper. He also seemed to enjoy the way the paper tasted, because he kept cramming it in his mouth.

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The pièce de résistance of the weekend was on that Sunday. It’s actually probably the opposite of “pièce de résistance”, but here’s the story anyway. We went to breakfast at Ryan’s, which is a buffet style restaurant. It was my first time there, and the food was very good. We let my parents feed Tyler a little bit of ice cream, which we immediately followed with Mylacon drops. And that was when I watched as a woman sneezed into her hand. Common sense, and common-freaking-courtesy would tell you to use your other hand, you know… the CLEAN one, to grab your food. Or maybe go clean your *bleep*ing hands! Not this woman. She switched hands for a second, which was a great relief to me, but promptly switched back to her germ-infested hand to grab food. I think I came down with the flu, or leprosy, or some other terminal illness just from watching her do that.

So, that was Tyler’s Christmas in November. New clothes, new toys, new grandparents, and ice cream. I’m looking forward to Tyler having his first Christmas, but he doesn’t really know what’s going on. Because of this, I told Sarah that we should just get him some empty boxes. He won’t know that we’re cheaping out on him, and all little boys love empty boxes. It’s a win/win situation. And here’s the photographic proof to back my claims.

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Sarah whole-heartedly disagrees with me. So we went Christmas shopping for Tyler this week, taking him with us. Not that we have much choice in the matter, though. But it felt weird that we were buying gifts for someone who was with us. To top it off, we were letting him play with the toys at the store, so that we could be sure that he would like them. I want it noted, though, that I think plain ole cardboard boxes will be just as much fun as a spinning toy that lights up and makes funny noises.