The life and times of an irrational father. One man, multiple personalities.
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The future of newsprint is questionable, at best. In ever-increasing numbers, people are turning to the internet for up-to-the-second news, to socialize with friends (and strangers), to write in their public diaries, or to just waste countless hours that could better be spent outside. By the way, I am guilty of all charges. After your grossly obese uncle, otherwise known as the internet, takes his piece of the populous pie, there just isn’t much left for the newspaper to fill his stomach on.

What happens when a newspaper can’t afford to pay all their reporters due to lower subscription rates? What happens when the readers stop writing their letters to the editor because they are now posting their opinions on their personal blogs?

My local newspaper is called The Evening Star, and is currently having an identity crisis; beginning April 6th, it will be known simply as The Star. The Star is restructuring things a bit to balance service to its readers and still maintain profitability in these tough times. One such change will be a switch to morning delivery seven days a week. It won’t exactly make sense to be called The Evening Star, hence the truncated moniker.

How does this affect me? It doesn’t. My work schedule requires that I read the paper in the afternoons, but the weekends are mine for the taking. And while I enjoy staying up to the moment with news online, there’s just something about opening your small town newspaper and reading about your local high school choir kicking butt and taking names at competitions that’s, well, comfortable.

On Sunday, Sarah, Tyler, and myself were sitting at the dining room table enjoying breakfast. As I flipped through the paper, I had to deliberately resist the urge to paraphrase some of the articles for Sarah. She hates it when I do that because she then has no desire to read the paper herself. When I finished with the first section, I moved on to the Life section of the paper.

I picked it up and gave it a bit of a shake. I don’t know why I did that though, because it wasn’t necessary. Maybe that’s just how I’m used to seeing people read the paper on television. I started reading an article, but cannot recall the subject because Sarah interrupted me.

"Oh my God. Turn it over turn it over turn it over!"

I jerked the paper down, thinking something was happening with Tyler. At nine months old, he’s getting better at crawling, assisted walking, and pinching food with his fingers. I assumed that Tyler was doing something new that I had to see. Instead, I see Sarah staring wide-eyed at me. Or rather, at the newspaper in front of me.

"Wha-", I started to inquire as I flipped the paper around.

Right there, in color print, was a six by nine inch photo of Tyler with Oreo cookie drool covering his mouth. The extra-ocular muscles that control the movement of the human eye can rotate it at a velocity of up to 1000 degrees per second or, in layman’s terms, very fast. And that was almost not fast enough for my patience. I had to know the results.

Almost exactly a month ago, in the Life section of the newspaper, I saw a collection of photos. That was when I learned of a monthly photo contest where people would upload a photo that they took, to be judged and voted on by anyone. I told Sarah about it and immediately thought of the Oreo cookie incident.

Seeing that picture in our newspaper was, in a word, awesome. It took about 1/1000th of a second to find the blurb, but it felt like an eternity. After telling Sarah that we won, we did something that I’m not sure whether to laugh about or be ashamed about. We high-fived each other. Twice.


Tyler has been entered in a local photo contest. The winner will have their picture printed in color in our local newspaper, with a chance of being on the cover of a local family magazine.

The photos are all located here:
http://www.kpcnews.net/photocontest

Tyler’s picture is the first picture on page 4:
http://www.kpcnews.net/photocontest/?page=4&max=79&month=March

View just his picture here:
http://www.kpcnews.net/photocontest/viewphoto.php?ID=237&month=March
and click on “VOTE” to the right of the image.

All you need to do is click “VOTE” under his picture. Help me out, my dear blog readers!!!! This could mark the 3rd time Tyler has been in our newspaper!!!

The backstory on the picture is here:
http://joegearhart.blogspot.com/2009/01/oreo.html

And the winner is…

October 17th, 2008 | Posted by Joe in Beauty Pageant | therapy - (5 Comments)
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I had absolutely NOTHING to do with the decision of entering Tyler into a beauty pageant. 97% of all males that see a therapist can have 100% of their problems linked back to them having “Mommy Issues”, according to a survey that I made up just now. When Tyler comes to us when he’s 32 and tells us he’s going to a psychiatrist, I’m going to look at Sarah and say, “The beauty pageant. You did this to him.”

Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating a little bit. We live in a small town called Auburn, in the state of infinite cornfields (Indiana). Our city is all of 7 square miles in size, with a population of 12,000. For at least the last 2 years, our city has hosted the DeKalb County Free Fall Fair (we’ve lived here for 2 years). The fair is setup on our downtown square, which is about a half mile from our house (which is nice because we walk there and don’t need to worry about parking).

I don’t know if they had this last year, but this year there was a “DeKalb County’s Cutest Baby” contest put on by the local woman’s care clinic. Sarah was beside herself with excitement and could not wait to enter Tyler. I said something along the lines of “no” to Sarah about it, and she said something along the lines of “yes” about it. Clearly, I was outnumbered.

So, Sarah explains the contest to me. You submit a photo of your baby. At the fair will be a booth with all the photos of the contestants on a board. Next to the photo will be a number. Each number will have their own little container that people put money into. Every penny counted as 1 vote. Then Sarah starts talking about the prizes. I have no interest in exploiting my child, nor of parading him around DeKalb county, as a constant reminder to the other parents of how ugly their babies are. I’m not that shallow. But…

“Wait, did you say prizes? I’m listening.” I said.

First place gets you a $125 giftcard to WalMart. I didn’t listen to the rest of the prizes because – let’s be honest – if Tyler is in a cutest baby contest, he will EASILY win. It’d be like putting Jessica Alba against Amy Winehouse*. No contest. But that didn’t stop me from saying to Sarah, “So, technically, we could put $120 in for Tyler and still pull a profit.”

Who would you vote for?

Although that would be true, there’s no way I would have done that. Firstly, it’s not necessary. Tyler IS the cutest baby in DeKalb county, and surely people would see that and vote for him. Secondly, it’s not sportsmanlike, and the wonderful residents of our fine town wouldn’t resort to dirty tricks like that. Sarah and I decided that we would put in $5 worth of votes for Tyler.

Fair week finally rolls up and we walk down there as a family. I am secretly very eager to get to the contest booth to vote, but I maintain my composure. We took our time walking around, getting a corndog, and checking out the rest of the booths. Finally, we get to the contest booth. Tyler is listed as contestant number 8 out of roughly 52. I’m telling you, Tyler was absolutely the cutest baby on the board. I’m not just saying it because I’m his dad, either. There were a couple photos that made me think to myself, “the parents MUST be joking.”. Maybe I am shallow afterall. But what really infuriated me was seeing at least 3 toddlers on the board. You don’t see 23 year old women in the Miss Teen USA pageant. So, there shouldn’t be 3 year old KIDS in a BABY contest. Ok, fine, I’m shallow, da**it! Are you happy now? Guilty as charged. Whatever, let’s just vote, go to the 4-H area, and look at pigs, horses, and quilts. But there was a problem.

There wasn’t anybody at the booth, and there was nowhere to put our money to vote for Tyler. I had a moment where I was tempted to tear down the photos of the toddlers, but I don’t think it would have gone unnoticed.

We ended up going back the next day. This time, there was someone there, so we walked up. Like an idiot, I made eye contact with a little old lady at the booth directly across from the contest booth. She was holding something out for me. It looked like a sticker, and I thought of how cute it would be to put a sticker on Tyler. When I grabbed it, I saw that it was a tiny booklet. Yup… Hook, line, and sinker…

Little old lady: “Are you sure that you’re going to go to heaven?”
Me: *oh crap* “Yes I am.”
LOL: “How do you know?”
Me: “I just do.”
LOL: “Do you think that’s enough?”
Me: “What, believing? Yes I do.”

At this point, I tried handing the booklet back to her.

LOL: “I think maybe you should keep that book and read it.”
Me: “No thank you. I’ll get along fine without it.”
LOL: “Well let me ask you this. How do you know if I’ll go to heaven.”

I won’t lie to you. I actually found myself thinking, “lady, I’m surprised that day hasn’t come yet.”

Me: *still holding the booklet out* “I would never presume to know whether you’ll go to heaven or not.”
LOL: “Well, I don’t think you’ll go to heaven with that attitude.”
Me: “Have a nice day.”

I placed the booklet in her hand and walked to join Sarah.

I am a huge proponent of “respecting your elders”. I was extremely polite, and have no idea what she didn’t like about my attitude. But she was pushing the limits of my politeness. And where in the Christian belief does it say that it’s ok to judge other people? Little old witch. And Sarah’s not dumb. She knew better to walk over there. She saw the trap a mile away, and let me jump right in the lion’s den. I would have done the same to her. A match made it heaven, her and I.

Back at the contest booth, we deposited our $5. Sarah glanced in some of the other containers and saw that there was some competition. She immediately pulls out her change purse and starts DUMPING it all in there, except for some random German coin that she had. I’m freaking out trying to cram my Visa in there. Obviously, these other families were trying to BUY the win for their son/daughter/grandson/granddaughter, those dirty little cheaters. I checked the newspaper every friggin day from then on, waiting for the results. I checked the mail, looking for my WalMart giftcard. What was taking so long? Then, one day, the newspaper has the results for the DeKalb County’s Cutest Dog contest. WTF!?!? It was over 2 weeks after that when I saw the results in the paper. Where the heck was Tyler’s photo? There must have been some type of mistake. As a matter of fact, Tyler didn’t place at all. The vote was rigged. I’m sure of it. DANG! Why didn’t Sarah put that damn German coin in there!? To add insult to mortal wound injury, the first place winner wasn’t even a baby! That kid was AT LEAST 2 years old! Ugh.

* Don’t get me wrong. I think Amy Winehouse has (had) a fantastic voice/album, but this purely about looks.