The life and times of an irrational father. One man, multiple personalities.
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The Worm

March 20th, 2010 | Posted by Joe in adorable | Tyler - (8 Comments)

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When I wake up in the mornings, I sometimes wonder what mother Earth has in store for me over the course of the day. Will I save a family from a burning house? Will I pull a man from his wrecked vehicle mere moments before it explodes in a mushroom cloud of fire and destruction? With I thwart a bank robbery? Or will I simply go through my normal routine with work, come home to a delicious dinner, and spend the evening with my family?

It’s a tough call. I know that I’m destined for great things *cough*winning the lottery even though I never actually remember to play*cough*, but it’s anyone’s guess if today will be the day that greatness happens to me.

I’ve no doubts on what Tyler thinks in the mornings. Eat. Food. And when Tyler’s ready for breakfast, boy oh boy, you better hurry, because he’s not much for waiting. Almost every morning, he gives the same response when asked what he would like to eat. “Eggies and ancakes.” Eggs and pancakes, for you non-parents. Does he wonder what each new day will bring? Does he know that today, for example, I will be finishing the wheelbarrow that he so desperately wants to play with? I’ll blog about that later, by the way.

What it comes down to, though, is this. We may think we know what a particular day with bring to us. We may even be right in some of those predictions. The fact is, anything can happen on any single day. Things we could never have predicted. I only say all this because I wonder, I really wonder what that worm thought this morning. Did he wake up and think, “well, here comes another day of digging through dirt, looking for stuff to eat,” or maybe that he might find a mate later that afternoon?

How much did those thoughts change when I unearthed that worm while pulling weeds and moving mulch in our garden area? This particular worm was probably the the ninth or tenth worm I’d come across while working in the garden. Most times, I just picked them up and threw them in the garden. And, most times, I’d tell them to poop in there and make my soil rich. A few times, though, I’d say, “Tyler! Worm!”

Tyler would drop whatever he was doing at the time (playing tug-o-war with Delilah, pushing his toy lawnmower, playing in his sandbox) and come a-running. I’d point, he’d laugh, then I’d tell him to put it in the garden. Each time, he did. Until this last worm.

“Tyler! Worm!”

After doing this toddler-run over to me and laughing at the worm, he said, “Tyler have it.”

“You want to have the worm?”

“Yeah. Hold it,” he said, while bending over and delicately grabbing the worm with his clumsy fingers.

“Tyler, will you put the worm in the garden?”

“No. Ride inna wagon,” he replied, and gave one giant nod.

Before I could try to beg for the life of the worm, Tyler was off. It brought back a memory of when I was a toddler myself. Heck, maybe I was a boy, I don’t know when one is no longer considered a toddler. I had decided that I wanted some pet worms. With my mom in the house, and my dad working on a car in the driveway, I started digging for worms in the backyard. I don’t remember exactly how many I collected, but there were more than a few. I put them (delicately, if I may add) into the back of a toy truck I had with me.

When I checked on them a few hours later, I was devastated. At that tender young age, I learned the consequences of leaving worms to bake in the hot summer sun.

And here I was, watching my son as he claimed his first pet worm. This same son that likes to squeeze orange wedges until juice and orange guts start to ooze from his fingers. He’s running to his wagon with a worm pinched between his thumb and index finger. I thought to myself, just let it be a quick, painless death for the unlucky little bastard, and continued weeding. In the distance I heard Sarah say, “Oh, you’re bringing a worm with you on the wagon?” and Tyler replying with “Yeah. Ride inna wagon,” before climbing into the wagon with it.

Ten minutes passed. I was in my own world of thoughts as I pulled weeds and loaded the wheelbarrow with mulch. Suddenly, I heard Tyler’s voice behind me.

“Put worm a garden,” he said, completely as a matter-of-fact.

I turned to see him still ever-so-gently pinching the worm in his fingers. He walked to the edge of the garden, knelt over, and placed it right on top. He watched it for just another moment before running to go play again.

Did the worm have any premonitions for that day? Did he know he’d face a giant with a giant shiny tool in his hand? Did he have any idea that the giant would call over a smaller giant to laugh at it? Did he expect to be pulled from his home and taken for a ride in a place he never even knew existed?

Oh, worm, the places you’ll go. Will you succeed? Yes, you will indeed. (98 3/4% guaranteed.)

Delilah LIVES for sunlight and warmth

It Started with a Text Message

March 10th, 2010 | Posted by Joe in crying | Sarah | screaming | Tyler - (6 Comments)

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Tunnel vision, in medical terms, is the loss of peripheral vision with retention of central vision, resulting in a constricted circular tunnel-like field of vision. In layman’s terms, something has drawn your focus and you see nothing else. When you hit a patch of ice, sending your car on an intersecting path with a telephone pole, you don’t see the field or the cows or the barn. You only see the immovable object that will shortly send you and your family to the hospital. That is tunnel vision.

On a very recent afternoon, I walked out of a business meeting feeling very well about it. As I retreived my phone to turn the ringers on again, I looked first to the icons on the screen. One missed call and two text messages. The missed call was from Sarah. Of course, I thought nothing of it. I usually talk with her and/or Tyler a few times a day. Mostly because Sarah needs to tell me a funny story about our little man, or she’s taking dinner requests (yeah, she’s that awesome, even though I usually leave it up to her judgment), or because Tyler misses his daddy and wants to say “hi.” I pressed the left convenience key on the phone to open up my messages. I didn’t remember stopping in the middle of the parking lot, unable to visually process anything except the first text message. I do remember my next breath because it burned when my diaphragm hitched.

911. Please call.

I’ve always told Sarah to send me a text message if there was ever an emergency. It seems that text messages and emails always come through my phone, even when I have no cell signal. If I miss a phone call while I’m in an area with no service, I’ll never know you called unless you leave a voicemail. And even then, the voicemail notification doesn’t show up until I’ve been in a service area for a while. A text message sits on the airwaves for up to three days, waiting for the phone to turn on or enter a service area. So, I explained to Sarah that with all the driving I do to sometimes very rural areas, a text mesage is the most reliable way to reach me, especially in an emergency. I also never answer the phone when I’m in front of a customer, but I do glance at the screen when messages come in. Just. In. Case.

And here I was, three hours from home, looking at a text message that I’ve never seen before. My initial reaction was one of confusion. Pure confusion.

And then, fear.

I pressed and held the “S” button on my phone, the screen read “Calling Sarah… Connected.” My earpiece beeped twice, signalling that it was connected, via bluetooth, to my phone, and then began ringing in my ear. I viewed the second text message as my earpiece rang a second time.

She picked up before the third ring. I inquired almost before Sarah could finish saying “hello.”

After the last few months of cold and dreary weather, the 40ºf (4ºc) temperature this particular afternoon felt very nice. Sarah, Tyler, and Delilah all walked to the park to play in the mild weather. Some previous park-goers left a basketball there. While playing with this basketball, Tyler fell hard, and face-first, on the concrete. He began screaming before even attempting to raise his head. Sarah ran to Tyler as he lifted his head.

“Joe, there was blood everywhere.”

She carried him to the stroller in a run, remaining calm on the exterior, for Tyler. Internally, every other bad feeling and emotion swirled violently. Tyler continued to scream while blood flowed down his face. Sarah opened her water bottle and poured it on his face, hoping to both see the wound and gauge its severity. His nose and uper lip were were lacerated. She watched his upper lip inflate as more blood flowed from inside Tyler’s mouth. Delilah thought she was in trouble when Sarah yelled at her to “come,” and was slow and hesitant in returning. Very quickly, she leashed Delilah and buckled Tyler in his stroller. The trek home was paced somewhere between a speedwalk and a jog. She very desperately wanted to break into a full run, but that would allow the panic overtake the control she was barely able to keep a grasp onto. Knowing she was completely helpless for the moment, Sarah could do nothing more than mentally run through scenarios and options, and tell Tyler that he would be okay.

Sarah finished her story as I drove. They were presently snuggling together on the couch, watching Bolt, while Sarah held an ice pack to Tyler’s mouth. The bleeding was under control shortly after they arrived home. Tyler cut the inside of his lip really bad, but not stitches-worthy. His nose and the area under was also scraped and cut. All that in addition to a very swollen lip made a very sad sight. I pushed and pulled on his teeth when I got home that evening, to make sure he didn’t knock them loose. Tyler pointed to his lip (as if I wouldn’t have noticed it otherwise) and said “ouch.”

The next morning, I deleted the two texts.

911. Please call
Nevermind. I think we’re ok.

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It’s like…

March 8th, 2010 | Posted by Joe in learning | milestones - (6 Comments)

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It’s like giving a death-row inmate the keys to his cell.

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It’s like leaving the bank vault open and expecting the money to be there in the morning.

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It’s like the boxer putting his guard down and expecting to not get knocked into next week by his opponent.

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It’s like two parents, worried that their 20 month old child will soon break his neck if they don’t do something about it.

We had to convert Tyler’s crib into a “transitional bed” a couple days ago. We really had no choice though. Over the course of 3 days, this is what has happened:

Day one.
8:30am. Sarah is downstairs, waiting for Tyler to wake up and call for her. Soon, she hears noises and prepares to go get Tyler as soon as she finishes what she’s currently working on. Moments later, she hears the baby gate. AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS! Tyler, as if this is completely normal, says, “Hi.”

Day two.
Time unknown, but it’s in the morning. Tyler is being a brat, so we put him back in his crib, and tell him that we will get him out when he calms down. Moments later…. BANG, CRASH, SCREAM. Sarah runs in to see Tyler on the floor of his room.

Day three.
8am. I hear Tyler making a noise. It’s my morning to get up with him, so I saunter into his room. As I walk in, I see Tyler holding onto the top of his crib, trying to pull himself up. His feet are against the side, trying to walk vertically like a freaking spelunker.

His mattress was already in it’s second-to-lowest position. The next, and lowest, position is only two inches further than where it currently sat. Two inches. If it made any difference, it would have been rendered moot within a week, at most. As a result, Sarah and I – very reluctantly – made the decision to uncage the beast. Sunday morning, we set to work removing the front of Tyler’s crib and installing panels that simply protect Tyler from rolling out of his new transitional bed. He was ecstatic! The minute we finished, Tyler ran and climbed into his bed. Then he jumped out (and fell on his face). Then he climbed back in, then back out, then back in, and so on.

*sigh*

We’re both wondering how long it will be before he fully grasps this new freedom. He napped fine in his new bed. Last night, he slept just fine in his new bed. When Tyler woke up this morning, Sarah walked into his room to find Tyler still in his bed. She asked how his first night in his new bed went. Tyler sat up, started clapping his hands and said, “yayyyyyyyyy.” But, we’re not stupid. We know he’ll soon be stomping around his room while he’s supposed to be napping. We know the little tyrant will be found at some point, sleeping on his floor after playing there hours after bedtime.

We know…. and we wait with bated breath.