“No, Tyler! Don’t play wi- Ooooohhhhh CRAAAAAP!“

That, my friends, is the sound of countless warnings going unheeded. I heard the frustration, defeat, and, possibly, smugness in Sarah’s voice as she uttered those final two words. Unsure of exactly what Tyler had done, I walked into the room, ready to stand by Sarah’s side as she explained to Tyler what he had done and why he shouldn’t have. I was ready to echo some of Sarah’s key words, like “bad,” or “dangerous,” or “why can’t you be more awesome, like your father?” Oh boy, he’s gonna get it, I thought, because Sarah started her reprimand the very moment I entered the room.

“Remember how I told you not to leave your glasses where Tyler can reach them?”

Yeah, Tyler. Remember how mommy told y… Wait. “What?”

“Oh yah, Tyler just broke your glasses.”

No, wait. I thought we were uniting to stand against the little tyrant that gets into everything he shouldn’t be getting into. And shouldn’t we do so anyway? He did just break my glasses, after all. My very expensive glasses. Six weeks before Christmas. That should at least warrant a caning, or ten minutes of waterboarding, or, at the minimum, a stern talking to! Why are they both looking at me like I’m the one that’s in trouble?

Before I could start kicking Mega-Bloks across the room and shouting accusations of mutiny, a door shut in my mind. The deadbolt snapped into place, miraculously locking Extremely-IrrationalDad away before the anger could materialize. I calmly looked at the broken frame, cursing myself for leaving them on the arm of the couch, because I knew better. I KNEW better. That spot had ceased being a safe-zone months ago. All the while, my irrational self was pounding on the imaginary, yet very real door, screaming. But Tyler did this! Not me! Him! He did this! He broke the glasses! HE should have known better! I knew it was entirely my fault. I knew Tyler didn’t do anything wrong. But I tend to be irrational at times.

Rather than rub my nose in my own piss, Sarah didn’t say a word, which is completely out of character. Of course she’s told me countless times to put my glasses somewhere that Tyler can’t reach. Of course all those warnings went unheeded. She later admitted that she really wanted to remind me of all this but decided to bite her tongue. It’s a good thing, too, because the door holding back my anger was splintering. I suspect that Sarah saw the fire dancing in my eyes when she wisely decided to not pour mass quantities of thermite onto the flames.

But wait, the news gets better. I went to the eyeglass place a couple days ago. Those very expensive frames of mine? Well, they are two months out of warranty. Replacement frames to fit my lenses are equally very expensive. Have I mentioned yet that this is all six weeks before Christmas? I have a pretty weak prescription and decided that I would just go without glasses through the holidays (you know, when all the really horrible drivers are out and about). As I walked out, a customer followed me and told me to take my glasses to a jeweler. He said that they can solder quite nicely and extremely cheaply.

Twenty four hours and twenty dollars later, my glasses are back and good as new. Unless you are staring at them from three inches away, you can’t tell they had ever been broken. Twenty dollars! I’m elated.