There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder if the way I’m rearing Tyler is good for him. These concerns of mine weigh heavily on me because I want to be the best father that I can for Tyler, and any of his future siblings[1]. This weight of concern doubles when I see differences in how other parents raise their spawn. While I am aware that everyone parents their children differently, and there’s no single “right way” to do so, there are certainly many wrong ways to raise a child.
Take, for example, the parental duo running one of the carnival games at our county fair this week. This was one of those games where you throw rings at a bowling pin, or some other such nonsense. I avoid all eye contact with that stuff because it will invariably lead to the game runner heckling me to “step up and win a prize for the lady.” Buddy, I’d rather hand “my lady” the twenty dollars it would inevitably take to win a “prize” worth a tenth of that cost, so that she could buy something more substantial than an inflatable tiger. Sarah did look though, and quickly told me to do the same. Roughly four feet off the ground, on a platform where all the prizes lay, stood a Pack-N-Play. Inside the Pack-N-Play was a less than two year year old toddler. A toddler who was wearing no pants. On a 50ºf (11ºc) evening. With 25 mile per hour wind gusts[2]. That, in my opinion, is poor parenting.
We don’t do that. We also don’t let Tyler play with knives, go near the stove, run around in the street, or drive the car unsupervised. In those respects, we’re good parents. I’m a good father. However, there are many other things that I do allow Tyler to do. I explain to him that he needs to be careful because he may hurt himself, but I don’t remove the “danger”.
Allow me to textually paint a picture as an example of something that may or may not take place in our house on a near daily basis. In our living room is a glide-rocker chair that Sarah used to nurse Tyler in. Its companion piece is a glide-rocker ottoman. Tyler would climb onto the ottoman, which would start rocking back-and-forth, then try to climb from that to the chair roughly 18 inches away. Both pieces sway and rock from hither to thither, threatening to drop Tyler, face first, to the floor. Instead of pulling Tyler away and telling him that he shouldn’t climb on the dangerous furniture, I tell him to be careful because he may hurt himself if he falls (which has happened more than a couple times[3]). It’s a weak example, but Tyler’s only fifteen months old. What’s he going to be doing in six more months, standing on the peak of the roof with an umbrella in his hands to act as a parachute?
I don’t want Tyler to fear doing things because I’m the one afraid he may hurt himself. But, I also don’t want him to be completely fearless and do something to severely injure himself.
I just don’t know. What say you?
[1] I say siblings as a plural just to keep Sarah happy. I really only intend on giving Tyler a single sibling.
[2] Yes, for serious.
[3] Resulting in little more than an “oww,” said barely louder than a whisper from the little guy.
2010-05-15 - The Army Crawl, and Rock on.mpg
2010-05-09 - Happy Father's Day, Grandpa
2010-05-07 - Tyler Reads Books
2010-05-07 - Tyler plays with Luci and says Muffler
2010-05-07 - A Mile in Daddy's Shoes
2010-05-04 - Swinging and Getting Attacked by Delilah
2010-04-27 - Tyler does Shapes and Objects
2010-04-11 - Attack of the Tyler Monster
2010-05-29 Tyler and the snake
2010-05-09 - Happy Mother's Day, Grandma
I think it’s perfectly right to allow your young child to find out what hurts and what physics won’t allow – within reason.
We put our oven on a low setting so it was warm. Allowed our toddler to touch it – when she did, we would exclaim “OW! Hot! Burn!” with a little swat on the hand.
She’s two now and has somehow understood that the oven is hot when mom is in there pushing the buttons, but cold when she is not.
So now, it’s like your lessons with Tyler on gravity.
Thanks for your insight and thoughts on parenting!
Jeff,
http://www.mybowsandarrows.wordpress.com
You don’t let Tyler play with knives? I’m sure you don’t let him run with scissors either? What’s wrong with you?
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I say you’re doing the right thing. Let him climb the trees, while you watch and let him know of the consequences if he’s not careful. And if he’s not careful, then the best way to learn is through making the mistake himself. Painful, but you’ve still done your job.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..Caged Bird
I’m with you all the way. I have a two year old that lives and loves to experience the world. If that means jumping off the couch on occasion, then by all means enjoy the feeling of the wind in your hair. But we do make her aware that there are inherent dangers in jumping off of things and you might want to use caution. She gets it. She gets hurt sometimes when I’m not around, but running REALLY FAST through the living room can have it’s consequences. She now tells me when to be careful! Good for you for letting him live like a child in the world and not a boy in a bubble.
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My son is his father’s…who practically lived at the ER in his youth. Just last night as we were putting jammies on he slipped on the hardwood and wacked his face on the table, resulting in a blackish eye. Yea me. I was RIGHT THERE but it happened too fast. He’s fine. My theories are as follows : You can’t NOT screw up your child. No matter how hard you try, it’s goona happen. Do you know ANYONE who isn’t messed up? From people with Alcoholic absentee parents to “give ‘em everything” ones, everyone I know has issues. Next, if a child hurts himself (actions within reason, not something thats going to permanantly scar) he is less likey to do it again. Lesson learned without the nagging of the parent.
And Ben thinks he CAN fly. He flaps his wings and jumps off the ottoman.
OH, it was my son, not my hubby who hurt is eye, thats not very clear. Sorry.
I think you’re well within good parenting bounds, especially when compared to the Carnies. I still struggle with allowing the boy freedom/ potential danger/ harm. Life is about experiences and I have to let him learn his own way. Nobody said it was easy, and that Nobody was a smart person.
JAR´s last blog ..Out with the New, in with the Old
So what you’re saying is that you’re a better parent than a carny. Well done, my friend. Well done.
A Free Man´s last blog ..A paper tiger can’t tell you where he stands
It’s the fun of parenting to always question what you’re doing. Which means you’re doing a great job…because I’m pretty sure that carni-parents didn’t think “Hmm…is it a good or bad idea to put jr. in the pack in play ON DISPLAY in effigy of our craptastic parenting?”
My boys are both SO active, and I feel like I’m going to have a stroke most days with what they do, BUT, the unsafe areas are gated off, and the sharp knives tucked away. I’m a big fan of natural consequences…for my 4 year old, I’ve instituted the “if you hurt yourself while doing something I asked you not to, don’t come crying to me (literally)” rule…stay tuned