As you may or may not remember, Sarah and Tyler were both out of town for a week. Just prior to that, only Sarah was absent from our home. Her sister is getting married in a couple months. Turns out that another of her relatives (cousin maybe?) is also getting married soon, so they threw a combined hang-out-at-the-pool-and-drink-and-play-party-games bachelorette party. This party consisted of penis straws, drinking games, penis cakes, swimming, penis-related games, penis penis penis. I’m told there were no strippers, but that isn’t the point, aside from penis penis penis.

The day following the penis bachelorette party, I was given a taste of what joint-custody must be like. I packed Tyler in the car and drove two hours, to a big-chain shopping center parking lot. I met Sarah there so I could transfer Tyler to her care. I had to continue my duties as an employee of a great company, and locking one’s child in a dog crate is ill looked upon. This left little other choice than to live as a single man for a week. I’m sure you all know how miserable it was. You know, no chores, no responsibilities (aside from feeding the dog), no screaming teething baby. It was torture.

Sarah and Tyler came home Saturday Evening. After passing out many hugs and kisses, I helped in transferring the contents of the truck into the house. As we all know, the thing we need most after a vacation is another vacation. So, instead of putting away the newly created disaster zone, we all hung out and relaxed together. We both talked about our week, played with Tyler, then watched TV after he went to bed.

As an aside, Tyler showed me his new skill(?) as well. If we ask him what sound a dog makes, he opens his mouth and breathes in and out quickly, like a panting dog. I clapped my hands, and panted as well.

“THAT’S where he got it,” Sarah said.

“Got what?”

Sarah explained to me the difference between in the way we mimic a dog. When she does it, she opens her mouth, sticks her tongue out, and pants. When I do so, I park my tongue behind my lower teeth. Tyler has inherited my trait, as it relates to the highly sought-after skill of panting. I have since tried – quite unsuccessfully – to correct this behavior, because Tyler looks absolutely adorable when he sticks his tongue out. I’ll keep you posted, as I’m sure this will make or break me as as an adaptable father.

I made breakfast for Tyler and ate with him the next morning, while Sarah made an attempt to attack her inbox and catch up on the happenings on Facebook. After breakfast, Tyler ran off to play, and I cleaned up the kitchen. It only took a matter of minutes to get the dishes into the dishwasher and wipe off the counters. After finishing my good-husband duties in the kitchen, I walked into the office and stopped. I needed a couple seconds to fully absorb what my optic nerves were sending to the ol’ visual cortex. I distinctly remember two of the roughly three thousand thoughts that flooded my data center:

Should I freak out?
Is this as funny as I think it may be?

Trying hard not to scream like a girl in a horror movie, for fear of scarring my child for life, and slightly due to the fact that I actually wanted to laugh hysterically, I consciously calmed myself before speaking.

“Good job putting the rings on the penis Tyler.”

In my haste of getting the penis away from Tyler, I didn’t even think about grabbing the camera. I did make an attempt to recreate the scene, but Sarah hid the penis from me. She thinks it’s highly inappropriate, while I see nothing but humor in it. After some tension-filled discussion (and a little attitude on my part), I gave up on capturing the real deal. Suffice to say, it’s extremely (EXTREMELY) similar to the picture displayed at the top of this post. The key differences are as follows:

1) The red cone would have been a flesh colored penis.
2) The actual penis picture would have been hilarious (if you’ve got a twisted sense of humor, like myself, apparently).

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