Farmer Brown is a drunken A-hole

*sigh* Ya know, things can escalate and get out of hand pretty quickly in the Gearhart household.

Everything you are about to read is completely true, and really did happen last night.

This is the Brown Farm

This is the Brown farm. It is run by Farmer Brown. I was catching up on a couple blogs last night (I’ve been slacking, I know), while Sarah and Tyler were on the floor, playing with the Brown farm and Farmer Brown (Sarah and Tyler chose that name earlier). They were having a good time when Sarah says to me, “feel free to join us down here.”

If any of us had any idea what would happen as a result of that statement, she would have opted, instead, to say nothing! I’m sure of this.

So I get down on the floor and start moving the animals around. One of the first things I notice is that the chicken is HUGE! It’s the same size as the horse!

“What kind of farm are you running here?” I asked Farmer Brown.

Say “HI” to Farmer Brown

This is Farmer Brown. As I was “walking” him across his farm, he got stuck on the velcro that holds the animals in place. In a high-pitched Farmer Brown voice, I said, “Help me. Help Meeeeeeeeeeee.”, and I shook him back and forth.

In a throwback to Knight Rider, I added, “Kitt, I need help.”

Sarah manned the tractor and backed it up to Farmer Brown, presumably, to hook a tow line to him and pull him out. I completely misunderstood the intention, because there is something wrong with my head.

I asked Sarah, “What exactly are you making that tractor do to Farmer Brown, sicko?”

Traumatized, Farmer Brown walked to the back of the farm and said, “I need a drink”.

At this point, Sarah and I were cracking up. Tyler was lying on the floor between us, but he was no longer a part of this. Sarah and I were playing with tiny, stuffed toys, and it was a riot.

Farmer Brown had a few too many

Then, Farmer Brown came back. He stumbled back towards the farm, speaking jibberish. In my best Farmer Brown voice, I said, “Ooom uuuhlll flubber fack uuuuhhhh chicken dagnab mutant blargh.”

With my almighty hand, I guided Farmer Brown towards the chicken.

Farmer Brown sneaks up on a chicken

I snuck Farmer Brown up behind the chicken. At this point, there were no longer any streams of thought in my head. Things were happening wholly on their own.

Farmer Brown crowed, “Damn chicken!”

“Damn Chicken!”

Farmer Brown threw his leg forward and launched the chicken into the air.

The chicken flies

There was no arc to its flight path. The chicken launched and soared like a missle.

In his drunken stupor, Farmer Brown failed to make himself aware of his surroundings, or where the chicken’s tragectory may take it.


Following the law named for Edward Murphy, the chicken popped Sarah directly in her eye.

Farmer Brown, along with the hand controlling him, were scared. Naturally, he hightailed it out of there.

Farmer Brown hightails it

Farmer Brown is not a fast runner.

Farmer Brown finds an escape

Knowing that he wouldn’t stand a chance against Sarah on foot, he hopped onto his tractor.


Luckily for him, the tractor fired right up. I displayed my horrible ability to make sound effects with my mouth. Making my best impression of a tractor, I growled, “RRRRRRRRrrrrRRRuuuuuUUUUuuumMMMmmmMMMMM.” He dropped it into gear, and nailed the throttle. The front wheels left the ground. The rear tires broke traction…

and this is where things went HORRIBLY wrong…

Joe goes too far

Trying my best to emulate the sound of tires screeching, I put my voice up a few octaves to a “shrill” level and bellowed, “ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!”

Guided by my hand, the tractor – along with Farmer Brown – tore off into the distance and to safety.

Very quietly, Sarah says, “Uh oh.”

I look back to her and see that she is looking at Tyler, quite apprehensively…

Tyler reacts
(Sorry, I don’t have any recent pics of Tyler screaming)

Turns out, my screeching tire impression scared the jeepers out of Tyler, causing him to begin screaming his head off. It took a long time… a LONG TIME to calm him back down. We’re talking about 45 minutes. He was over-tired anyway (didn’t nap at all yesterday), so I’m sure that added to it.

Needless to say, Brown Farm playtime was over. We put Tyler to bed soon after that. I looked at Sarah and said “We need to reenact this, so I can get some pictures.”

We had a lot of fun with the reenactment. We constantly found ourselves stifling laughter, for fear of waking Tyler up.

Smiling is unnatural?

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Pouty McPouterson
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It took around 8 weeks for Tyler to learn how to smile. He got that trait, presumably, from seeing Sarah and I smile at him. All. The. Time.

How is it, then, that Tyler – and, I would assume, all babies – has pouting built right into his genetic code? It’s one of those “pre-programmed” things that guarantees that he’s going get whatever it is that he wants. He was completely passive about everything the day he was born. I thanked the Lord up above for giving us a calm, quiet baby. Twenty-four hours later, I cursed the devil-nurse that gave Tyler his first (sponge)bath. It was then that Tyler realized that his lungs served another purpose than merely providing oxygen to his blood vessels and, in turn, life to his body. Thanks to this she-spawn of Satan, Tyler discovered the art of crying. I just want to pass along a little nugget of information to all of you. Babies do not cry, they scream. Tyler has cried fewer times than the number of fingers I have on one hand. One such crying incident was yesterday, and it was COMPLETELY my fault; I’ll blog about that later. He has screamed loads of times, though.

Let’s get back to what this nurse – who managed to stand up straight, despite the fact that she had no spine, and had a small, black heart, completely devoid of love and compassion – and what she did to my son. His cryscreams were quiet, almost cute, but I knew what they would become as his lungs matured, and it scared me. This nurse… This… This… This… Devil incarnate, has the nerve, the AUDACITY, to tell me that it’s good when babies cry because it opens their lungs and clears out the mucous in their throats. Hogwash!! I laid witness, not 24 hours earlier, to an amazing surgery – a surgery where I saw parts of my wife that I never wanted to see – which swiftly disproved the “a stork delivers a baby to your porch” myth, and you’re telling me that you can’t just stick a turkey baster down his throat and suck all that crap out, effectively negating the need for crying? I say again, hogwash.

*deep breath*
*deep breath*
*deep breath*

What was I saying? Oh, crying. In the moments before he unleased about 95db of ear piercing goodness, Tyler had a blank face, completely content with everything he had experienced thus far. My face was about 10 inches from Tyler’s face. When the wet, soapy devil-rag was pressed against his belly, he looked at me – still blank faced – for about another second. Then, his bottom lip started to push out and the corners of his mouth drew down into a pout.

I can tell you, with absolute certainty, that Tyler had not seen a single frown nor pout while “on the outside”. I’m slightly less so, but still fairly certain that he had not seen those looks on the inside either. Therefore, he somehow knew how to pout without ever seeing it done before.

Most people would then deduce that smiles are a learned trait, and frowns/pouts are an instinctual trait. Luckily for you, my brain doesn’t work like most peoples’. Through my superhuman logic and powers of observation, I now know the truth, and am ready to pass it along.

I submit to you, dear reader, that frowns, pouts, AND smiles are as instinctual as breathing or swallowing. I submit to you that if your baby didn’t start smiling until 8 weeks after birth, maybe he or she just wasn’t happy until that point. Ever think of that?

My baby girl!!

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(See all of Delilah’s photos here)

Yesterday, Sarah and I decided we wanted Wendy’s for dinner. I know… fast food. We rarely ever eat fast food. Sarah’s an excellent cook, and LOVES preparing food. Yesterday, though, we were both having a hankering (I hesitate to say “craving” because I will forever associate that word with pregnancy now) for one of their burgers. I brought Delilah with me. She loves going for rides in the car and can’t wait to stick her head out of the window.

While we were at a red light and her head was out the window, the light hit the back of her head just right, and I saw 3 small bumps on the top of her head, between her ears.

“Poor girl”, I thought. “Stupid mosquitoes”.

We had our supper, played some cribbage and went to bed.

Now, let me back up for just a moment to explain something. Delilah and Logan each have their own beds in the bedroom with us. Logan always sleeps on the floor or in his bed. Same with Delilah. On Saturday and Sunday mornings, we typically all wake up “as a family”. We’ll call the dogs on the bed to lie with us for a bit before we all head downstairs. That’s about the only time Logan’s on the bed. For some reason, he doesn’t particularly enjoy being on the bed while we’re on it. BUT, whenever Sarah and I leave the house, Logan sleeps on our bed. It’s weird, I know.

Delilah LOVES being on the bed with us. As a matter of fact, whenever one of us (Sarah or I) get out of bed, Delilah hops on the bed to take the empty spot. EVERY SINGLE DAY. She’s gotten in a little bit of trouble for it, because she takes Sarah’s spot while she’s feeding Tyler. Not really a big deal, but Delilah hates getting off the bed once she’s on, and you have to drag her off of it. It’s humorous, except at 4 in the morning.

Last night, Delilah was whining for the entire night to get on the bed with us. It was insanely annoying. We told her to shut up and go to bed, which she did. But this happened a few times last night.

This morning, I get up and get the dogs downstairs to go outside for their “business” when Delilah stepped outside and the morning light hit her, I saw that she was absolutely COVERED in bumps. I stood there, staring at her and blinking stupidly. What the hell happened to my baby girl overnight? I just honestly thought my mind had gone all goofy and was playing with me. Delilah turned to face me and I saw that one of her eyes was swollen almost completely shut. When Sarah came downstairs, I told her what I saw, and called Delilah in the room so she could see.

I am insanely attached to Delilah. Even though she’s our dog, she is MY dog. So, I was already kinda freaking out over this whole thing. When Sarah saw her, she gasped, and it scared the crap out of me. She said it looked like hives. I didn’t know what to do, and Sarah had to actually tell me to call the vet. I left a message because they weren’t open yet. I then immediately hopped on google and started reading about hives and what to do. During all this, Sarah told me that Delilah’s been chewing on her feet for a few days too.

The general consensus online was that it was an allergy, and I kinda had that feeling already. I gave her 2 benedryl (per what I read online) and waited for the vet to call back.

Delilah’s had issues with foot-chewing before, and had an ear infection recently (for a free dog, she’s been rather expensive for us). We switched her to a dog food that’s completely corn free (apparently, many dogs are allergic to corn, and MOST dog foods have corn in it). It kinda helped. She didn’t chew as much, and her ears were doing better. I did get a new bag of dog food a few weeks back, but it was also corn free.

The doc usually doesn’t work Mondays, but told me to meet him at his office anyway (thank you so very much!!! I love our vet). He said it looked very much like an allergy and asked all sorts of questions. In the end, he said that food was likely the culprit, but it’s hard to tell. So, he got us set up with a “prescription” dog food. It’s called “Z/D Ultra”. It’s 100% allergen free, so if she clears up on this food, we’ve got a jumping off point. If not, who knows. He also gave her a steroid shot (sorry, Delilah) with a little bit of benedryl in it to get rid of the hives.

I got her home, and she slept the ENTIRE day. She didn’t pick her head up when we entered or left the room. She didn’t look at us while we were eating (which is completely out of character). It broke my heart.

It looks like the shot did the trick on the hives and itching though. The bumps are about 99% gone, and she hasn’t itched at all.

Here’s the story on the dog food. If it works… you keep her on it for 12 weeks, to allow her body to get rid of all its built up allergens. Then, you start introducing ingredients, one at a time, for 2 weeks at a time. It’s called an “elimination diet”. So, after 12 weeks, we boil chicken and add it to her food for 2 weeks. If that’s good, we add corn for 2 weeks, then oatmeal, then grain, then lamb. So on and so forth. If she has a reaction, that’s the food you stay away from. We don’t necessarily need to introduce all that stuff to her, just enough until we can find a dog food that will work for her. Z/D has BHA as an ingredient, so I don’t want this to be a long-term food for her. That, and a 27 pound bag costs $85. Ouch.

Here are pics of her from today:

These pics are later in the day, when she’s just sleeping:

Get well soon, baby D.

Shut the #@!% UP!!

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Just shut up. I really can’t deal with this crap any longer. Tyler seems to enjoy fighting sleep. I mean, why else would he be doing so, if he didn’t enjoy it? When he does end up falling asleep, he sleeps pretty heavily (thank you for passing along that gene, Sarah). That doesn’t stop me, though, from wanting to create an environment that encourages him to continue sleeping.

Aside from force-feeding Sarah a couple handfuls of sleeping pills – and hoping that they get absorbed into her milk supply, and passed on to Tyler – about the most I can do is dim the lighting and keep the house quiet. Problem is, there is some type of silent alarm that goes off the very second Tyler dozes off. Sarah and I can’t hear the alarm, so it would be hard to prove, but the rest of the free world can hear the alarm, and its a signal to make as much noise and disruption as humanly possible.

Tyler fell asleep for a nap this afternoon, so I put him in his bouncy seat and sat him next to Sarah and I. Her and I were playing cribbage, so we were doing our part in staying quiet. Then, the neighbor dog starts barking… INCESSANTLY. So, I got up and dramatically closed the windows in the kitchen (where we all were). I hope the neighbors heard it too, although I know it won’t matter; they can’t control their dogs, and it drives me nuts. Anyway, the little yapper dog finally goes back in the house, leaving us in silence again. That’s when Logan (one of OUR 2 dogs) decided he wanted to – as loudly as possible – start slurping water out of the dish. I’m here to tell ya that it was the loudest slurping I’ve EVER heard. I reached back and tapped Logan on his leg and told him he’d have to wait for his water until later.

Do you know what he did? He walked right next to Tyler – I’m talking, 6 inches away from him – and shook, VIGOROUSLY, back and forth. He sprayed water from his gullet everywhere, including onto Tyler. Of course, his collar was on, so his tags were jingling and ringing nice and loudly. Ugh.

All Sarah and I could do was share an exasperated look with each other. Tyler woke up very shortly afterwards. We were less than pleased with it all.

Moving pictures

Tyler sorta laughs and coos and is just being adorable
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I don’t know why I don’t use the camcorder more often. Whenever I want to record a video, I’ve been doing so off the digital camera. Well that just sucks. The resolution is not good, and the framerate leaves something to be desired.

I got the camcorder back out this week (it hadn’t been used in about a year or so, for some strange reason), so I’ll be posting lots of videos, I hope… and probably much to the chagrin of my loyal (heh) readers.

I might switch over to Vimeo as well, since they accept and display higher resolution videos than YouTube does.